Sannakji
In the
wild, wild world of Korean cuisine, raw dishes are referred to as “hoe”. Most
of these dishes consist of seafood that has been lightly seasoned. However,
there is one dish that takes the concept of raw food and kicks it right in the
nuts: sannakji, or small, lively octopus. The best sannakji is seasoned with
sesame oil and diced into smaller bits because we must fight the octopods on
land, lest we be forced to battle them on their own turf in the seas.
Many patrons claim to eat the dish because they enjoy
the sensation of the tentacle wiggling down their throat as they swallow. Kind
of odd, but understandable: how often do you get to hear the meat moo as you
tear into a chunk of porterhouse? But there's a problem with octopus limbs.
Specifically, they're lined with a series of suction cups. Since chefs don't
have the heart to kill the octopus they serve as sannakji, the suckers are
still active. Those who don't chew their meal thoroughly risk being choked by
their dying nemesis. The risk is even higher for the intoxicated, but when is
that ever not the case? Drunks just don't get to have fun in today's dangerous
world.
Ackee
The
ackee has the distinction of being the national fruit of Jamaica as well as
having one of the most bizarre aging processes in the realm of fruit. The
pear-shaped fruit changes colors when ripe, going from green to red, before
opening up to reveal three large and shiny black seeds. The remainder of the
fruit's insides are spongy and white. The fruit's splitting is the only
sure-fire way of knowing it is completely ripe. It's also a costume change
worthy of Ziggy Stardust.
The ackee is highly nutritious as well as incredibly
poisonous, a sick joke played by a cruel and unloving god. The only section of
the fruit that is safe for consumption is the white innards, and only after it
is ripe. Everything else is brimming with the exotic alkaloid toxins, resulting
in a combination of seizures, vomiting and fatal hypoglycemia known as Jamaican
Vomiting Sickness. If you're envisioning this properly then you are now
terrified of Jamaicans and their vomit.
Ackee
also has a secondary means of killing you. If eaten before the fruit has fully
ripened, hypoglycin toxins will kick your liver's ass, preventing it from
releasing glucose into your bloodstream, a necessary function for when your
blood sugar runs low. This fatality via fruit is so common that it is illegal
to import the fresh fruit into the United States, though it is still available
in canned form.
Giant
Bullfrog
In
some parts of Europe, frog legs are considered a delicacy. However, keen
observers will soon discover that the rest of the frog is completely absent
from the menu. So why is that? You're willing to eat the damn thing's legs but
you're going to just chuck the rest of the corpse?
Those
of you who have ever read an issue of Ranger Rick are well aware that the
average frog has a natural defense based entirely on secreting poisons through
its skin. When a predator bites into it, it either realizes that the frog just
totally messed it up and retreats or swallows it anyway for the sweet, sweet
revenge of digestion. Poison is nature's way of saying “stop eating me, you
huge idiot,” and very rarely does one defy nature and get away with it.
Giant
bullfrogs are eaten in some parts of Africa and are usually eaten whole. The
common bullfrog of choice is native to Namibia and also totes an incredibly
effective poison which can shut down your kidneys in minutes. There are several
different ways of preparing the bullfrog so it's safe for consumption, but one
mistake and you could end up with a nice, piping hot pot of poison.
Durian
Stepping
up to bat for the lethal fruits, durian is a fruit that grows in southeast
Asia. Unlike the ackee, durian is not a thing of beauty by any means. The
thick, spike-covered exterior is a pretty blatant warning that you don't want
what's inside. In case you're too dense to pick up on that hint, the fruit
literally smells like manure. Many mass transit systems in Asia forbid people
from riding with durian for that very reason.
Much
like the ackee, the inside of the fruit is delectable. Soft and white, durian
is comparable to many other fruits in flavor but differs in that it contains a
compound that hinders the liver's ability to break down alcohol. Thus, anyone
eating durian and kicking back with a cool Miller Lite greatly increase their
risks of permanently damaging their livers. Severe alcohol poisoning is commonly
reported as a result of eating durian and drinking.
Fugu
Fish
is a primary staple of the Japanese diet and much of the nation's cuisine
focuses on different preparations of different species. Naturally you're bound
to hit a snag, and that snag happens to be a puffer fish.
The
puffer fish has a long history of being lethal if consumed, dating back into
the nation's ancient history. Fugu has been banned in Japan on two separate
(and lengthy) occasions. It always manages to come back, however, because
people just can't get enough of eating poison. Several methods of safely
preparing the fish have been developed since the initial banning but despite
this it remains the only food that the Emperor is forbidden to eat. Some refer
to the fish as teppo, which translates as “gun”. Either they take fish
seriously or guns are incredibly adorable.
The
skin and organs of the fugu contain the poison tetrodotoxin, a channel blocker
that slowly paralyzes the muscles of those that consume it until they
asphyxiate, choking on their own throat. Despite this gruesome death (or
perhaps because of it) the fugu has become a sought after delicacy. Strict
regulations are in place to ensure that the meat sold in restaurants is
properly prepared, which generally means separating the muscle from the organs
and skin. To become a licensed fugu chef, one must first pass a two-to-three
year program before taking a test. The test itself ends with preparing fugu and
eating it yourself, so you know you didn't study enough when you've become a
bloated corpse.
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