Bombardier Beetles
Despite there being way more
insects than any animal on the planet, most of them aren’t a reason to stay
awake at night. That’s because, when it comes to the order of things, bugs are
pretty much at the bottom of the totem pole. However, many species seem to be
playing by the maxim that when your predators include everyone else on the
planet, you need to get busy pulling together an elaborate defense or get busy
dying. Or, bar having some awesome defense mechanism, just be scary as balls.
When it comes
pants-crapping terror, beetles are pretty much lacking. Unless, of course,
you’re the bombardier beetle (which has also got to be the coolest name for
anything ever). When threatened, the beetle releases two separate chemicals
from its abdomen which combine to form a spray which is both noxious and
near-boiling. Your only warning that your day is about to be ruined is a
popping sound before the spray bursts, which will only leave you more
vulnerable as you wonder where the hell that sound is coming from before OH
DEAR GOD IT BURNS.
The mere
existence of bombardier beetles is controversial. Creationists argue that the
internal design of two separate chambers (for storing both hydroquinone and
hydrogen peroxide) as well as a “mixing chamber” which houses water and
enzymes, could not have possibly been the result of evolution as proposed by
Darwin and is an example of intelligent (and badass) design. If true, our God
is indeed an awesome, terrifying god.
Voodoo Wasps
Voodoo is religion commonly
confused for a form of black magic practiced by fat girls the world over. Wasps
are a violent species of insects commonly confused with a questionable rock
band. When the two collide like a horrible train wreck, the results are as
magical as they are deeply disturbing.
Voodoo wasps are called such
because of their ability to turn caterpillars into what amounts to a zombie.
This charming process begins when the wasp lays its eggs inside of the
caterpillar, around eighty at a time. The caterpillar is perfectly fine until
the eggs hatch into larvae stage, during which they feed off the caterpillar’s
bodily fluids. Once fully grown they eat their way out of the caterpillar and
spin cocoons nearby. And so goes the circle of life. Sunrise, sunset.
Except the caterpillar isn’t
dead yet. Instead it stands over the cocoons as though being controlled by the
growing larvae inside. Should anything have the misfortune of approaching the
cocoons, the caterpillar will thrash about until the predator is knocked away
or is freaked out enough to leave on its own accord. Once the wasps hatch from
the cocoon, the caterpillar finally kicks the bucket. The wasps then show their
gratitude for their brave guardian by eating its bod. It’s sort of like
nature’s Stockholm Syndrome meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and it looks
something like this:
Army Ants
Much like the previous entries,
army ants live up to their name. With colonies reaching well over one-million
members, a single group of army ants are rivaled only by the KISS Army, and
even then the odds are still in their favor. Their massive jaws are extremely
painful, leaving two puncture wounds not unlike a vampire.
Army ants also happen to be
blind which, following the Daredevil theory of disabilities, serves only to
make them more powerful and a huge box office drag. It may also explain their
thorough dependency on teamwork. Their raids consist of columns made up of
millions of ants, all of whom pick a single direction and walk until they find
something. Then they proceed to tear that something apart because that’s just
how they roll.
They know they hold one of
nature’s deadliest weapons and also know how to use them, eating just about
anything in their path.
And in case the
point wasn’t already made, the bite of an army ant is a unique and painful
experience. Should you find yourself traveling the Amazon Basin and prey to a raid
your first instinct will probably be to cry and cuss a whole bunch. Your second
instinct may then be to pull them off. But the strength of their jaws is so
great that the ant itself will get torn in two before it lets go (which it
won’t do for days). Some parts of Africa actually use the army ant as emergency
sutures during surgery, which must do wonders for the pain.
Assassin Bugs
Despite their name, assassin
bugs aren’t notable for their ability to kill (though many of them will lay
down the law should the need arise) but rather how they use the dead. Much like
Ed Gein, assassin bugs make as much use of corpses as they can. Unlike Ed Gein,
assassin bugs aren’t sexual deviants with murderous and cross-dressing
tendencies.
Some assassin
bugs will cover themselves in the bodies of the dead and dying in an attempt to
camouflage themselves from larger predators like spiders. By acting as a pile
of dead and debris an assassin bug is able to avoid detection by bugs that rely
on vision. It’s less effective against those who rely on other senses, but you
had to know that hiding among the dead was a gamble of its own.
Assassin bugs will also use
their unique style of camouflage as a means to ambush their prey, leaping out
of their lifeless shield to strike. Should their cover be blown, they can also
shed the bodies at a moment’s notice. We can’t help but think that either
scenario is just as perplexing to witness.
Tree Ant
If army ants can be considered
the Rambos of the ant universe, then tree ants are the Predators. Their
horrifying claim to fame is their ability to construct elaborate traps to
ambush potential prey, such as locusts or Jesse “The Body” Ventura.
After finding a host plant, the
tree ants begin building foxholes out of its hair and then intentionally grow
fungus to hold it together. Once complete, they wait for something to have the
misfortune of stumbling into their parlor. And their dedication to the craft is
admirable; they’ll wait for days if they have to. But it’s not about the hunt;
it’s about loving what you do.
Once prey approaches the ants
attack, grasping whatever appendage they can and tearing at it until it’s
completely dismembered. This tactic allows a team of tree ants to take on most
other insects regardless of size. Should they be too feisty, the ants will
inject their victim with a venom that paralyzes them just long enough for them
to be torn to tiny pieces.
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