Last Gas-p
No pro-pain, no gain… as Hank Hill might say. As
well, there’s nothing like squeezing a container of pressurized flammable gas
to get those heartbeats settled into a lugubrious rhythm. There’s a reasonable
explanation to this scene: seems a company called Suburban (not Strickland)
Propane donated a truckload of these squeezable, LEGO-head-like propane tank
stress relief “balls” to the American Red Cross in the summer of 2015. Give
blood… you might just get “tanks” in return.
Life In The Air Rage
Between the TSA’s shenanigans, interminable flight
delays and the diminishing quality & quantity of airline food, it’s no
wonder air travelers are stressed out like never before. Kudos to JetBlue for
recognizing these issues and providing some remedies such as airport Nap Pods
and stress relief balls shaped like little JetBlue airliners.
Take out the anxiety of bumpy takeoffs, grumpy
seatmates and that damned kid kicking the back of your seat on this cute stress
relief “plane” emblazoned with the JetBlue logo. Rumors suggesting the stress
ball is actually a voodoo doll
are completely unfounded.
Sanqi Elan Squishy Cat Cheeseburger
The Sanqi Elan Squishy Cat Cheeseburger combines all
of your fave stress-reducing things into something that simply Should. Not. Be.
It won’t comfort you like a purring kitten, nor will it satisfy your hunger
like a fresh, juicy cheeseburger. So, what does that leave? Gratuitous
violence, that’s what.
This undeniably cute abomination is from Japan
because of course it is. Squish it down to a fraction of its size and watch it
slowly and inexorably spring back – with a smile, no less.
The Birds & The Squeeze
Nice to see fertility clinics have a sense of humor
and give out rather unique stress relief balls to anxious clients. Low sperm
count? No problem – just stroke and squeeze that li’l guy to your heart’s
content. Hmm, maybe that’s how the issue arose in the first place.
Go To Gel
Save money (and presumably, stress) by making your
own stress relief balls at home! All you need is a diaper, and some emoji
balloons.
The secret lies within the absorbent gel crystals
inside disposable diapers. Add water to gel, spoon gel into balloon, tie end of
balloon securely and you’re ready to be de-stressed (distressed?). Be sure to
source your gel from UNUSED diapers, mind you… the Poop Emoji balloon is an
example, not a suggestion.
Infectious Disease Stress Balls
Yep, Infectious Disease Stress Balls, in your choice
of Smallpox, Bubonic Plague, Cooties, and the Zombie Virus (whatever that is).
Just squeeze the vaguely-insect-eyeish ball and watch in transfixed disgust as
contrastingly-colored slime bubbles ooze forth from the cracks.
Weakened At Bernie’s
Aww, isn’t that cute, DC Universe character Harley
Quinn has a cuddly taxidermied and possibly zombified beaver named Bernie who
speaks only to her… don’t you want one too? You might change your mind after
getting up close & personal with the sticky icky Bernie “action figure”,
part of the Designer Series from DC Collectibles.
This Bernie figure doesn’t talk but he does have one
distinct talent, if you can call it that: when squeezed, a bloated bubble of
guts bulges out from his mangled midriff. Relax your now-trembling fingers and
the freaky fistula retreats back inside Bernie’s belly. Rinse, repeat, see a
psychologist.
The Terrible Horriball
They say conquering anxiety is all about facing one’s
fears… said whomever thought up the Horriball. “When your victim gives this seemingly innocent stress ball a squeeze,”
according to The Greenhead, “clear bubbles
filled with flies, rats, worms, or cockroaches covered in a bloody-looking
liquid pop out of the holes!” Yeah, we’ll just keep our anxiety and
leave now, mmkay?
Caomaru
Life’s stressful enough without our stress relief
balls freaking us out yet the more we squeeze these creepy stress aids, the
more anxious we get.
Caomaru means “round face” in Japanese, and these
pliable polyurethane resin stress relief balls come in four different molded
expressions. If you’ve ever wanted to go full Kids In The Hall’s “Head Crusher”
(or “Face Pincher” if you prefer) with an actual crushable/pinchable head/face,
Caomaru is the stress relief ball for you!
Caomaru comes in a variety of pastel hues including
black and beige (for you equal-opportunity haters), and they clean up easily
with a little soap and water. You’ll never scrub the stains off your soul,
however.
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